Shocker

It was a dour week filled with shockers on television. But where’s my funny?

What Happened Last Week

Drama

Bree watching George die after finding out the psychopath had killed cool Rex was the best thing Desperate Housewives has done all season. Also, Bree continues to be the only thing keeping me coming back to the show. The rest of the housewives takes on flighty, manipulative and bitchy are downright cringe-worthy. But Marcia Cross? I applaud her.

Meg is awake and pregnant (!) on Veronica Mars. I’m guessing that Duncan assumes it’s his child, given that he’s been pining away at the door of her intensive care unit for months now. But I… just don’t think it’s Duncan’s. Nothing in Neptune is that simple.

Kate’s flashback was actually good for a change on Lost! Started with a bang, ended with a door slam, made her go all crazy and stuff on Nonsense Island, making out with Jack, stammering, seeing pretty horses. I always thought that Kate’s flashback sequences were the worst on the show (seriously? The toy plane? Ugh.) So now I’m much happier with Lost than I have been in weeks. But can we get some more of Charlie anytime soon please?

Reality

The Donald Apprentice seemed rigged to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would have been mighty, mighty disappointed if Randal and Rebecca hadn’t been the final two. But to fire both Felisha and Alla? Seemed a little unnecessary to me.

Okay, the Weavers have had this coming for a long time. I’m sick and tired of hearing them complain that the other teams are being “so rude” to them. What is their definition of rude, exactly? Does it include making fun of garbage men simply because of their occupation? Sniping nastily that another team will only spend the prize money on boob jobs? Yelling and hollering on an overnight bus trip while others are trying to sleep? Asking a tour guide to hold up teams behind you? Ducking down and sneering while other teams drive by? How about throwing garbage at another team?? Does any of that seem rude to them? And what the hell is wrong with Mother Weaver? She is totally incapable of parenting her children. She never asks them to tone down their behaviour when they are being inappropriate. She just tells them the whole world outside of the Weavers is evil and rude and then buys them McDonald’s. GOD!

What Happens Next

The West Wing, Arrested Development, Kitchen Confidential and Alias all return this week! YAY! Michael Vartan and David Anders back on my television! Oh how I’ve missed them! Also on Alias, Jack (SpyDaddy) and an ex-lover get captured. By whom? I do not know.

A housewife will be heading to prison shortly. The obvious guess would be Bree, but remember last year when they teased us with the “someone’s going to prison” and everyone assumed it would be Bree’s homicidal son Andrew and it ended up being Carlos? I’m hoping that Bree won’t be wearing the orange jumpsuit any time in the future.

Someone’s going to die on Veronica Mars. And given that Francis Capra won’t be playing out the full season on the show, my guess is that the wonderful Weevil (who has been woefully lacking this season anyway,) will be dearly departing soon.

They're All Criminals

Everybody’s got a gun and everybody’s a thief this week in TV. Can’t we all just get along?

What Happened Last Week

Drama

It struck me as odd that George (Grey’s Anatomy) would spend the entire day hunting for turkeys with his father and his brothers and then eat Thanksgiving dinner with… his co-workers? Isn’t Thanksgiving a family holiday? And with his family clearly right there? It always annoys me when writers invent situations for their characters to spend the holidays together when it’s just not realistic for them to do so. How did the six Friends end up spending ten Thanksgivings in a row together? Go home to your family! (Sorry, pet peeve.)

Logan’s best line of the week, as he walked into a hostile biker bar filled with thugs: “Hey, I’ve got 9-1-1 on the phone. Does anybody know the address here?”

On Lost we found out that Ana Lucia was both a cop and a murderer. So now she joins up with the deadbeat dad, the Korean hit man, the convicted felon, the con artist, the unwed mother, the drug addict, the man without faith, the torturer, the man with the case of knives, and… the lottery winner? Fun times on Nonsense Island.

Reality

On America’s Next Top Model Bre lost her mind over a stolen granola bar and put two Red Bulls down the drain. If you think that doesn’t sound entertaining, you really don’t know what you’re missing. Since Bre’s lost her mind, Nicole is a sissy girl, Jayla lost me at “stupid, stupid bitch,” and they kicked off Kim for having man-hands, then I guess – by default – go Nik!

On Donald’s Apprentice I’m cool with the final four. Although, is anybody surprised that three of the four are women? Given how that team started? I know I’ve been a Randal supporter this whole time, but I think Rebecca has a really good shot at winning this thing now. All she has to do is beat Alla over the head with her cast.

Comedy

Everybody Hates Chris is definitely growing on me. (Still not as funny as Earl or Arrested Development, but worth watching nonetheless.) Mostly I love it because of the sweet relationships between Mom and Dad and between Chris and his geek-boy friend Greg.

What Happens Next

Time for George to go bye-bye on Desperate Housewives.

Meredith has (another) one-night stand on Grey’s Anatomy.

The Weaver’s get even more self-oblivious on The Amazing Race. What’s the point of having a Yield on a non-elimination leg?? Smarten up producers!

College applications loom in Newport. How are the writers going to fakely keep the crew together into their college years? (Another pet peeve.)

Gallant’s back and there’s talk of a wedding coming up on ER. If it’s Kovac and Abby that get married I will stop watching. That’s a promise.

Kate makes out with Jack on Lost. The hell? After the whole Florence Nightingale crap with Sawyer last week? The Jack-Kate kiss is definitely not in a flashback. Although I haven’t heard conformation that it isn’t in dream-sequence. We’ll see…

And, like, a thousand different things are going to happen on Veronica Mars. Veronica investigates her mother’s permanent record at Neptune High. Also, Kendall vs. Trina: fight! And there is a final surprise ending to the episode. I’m getting all shakey just thinking about it!

I Hate Sweeps

Normally November sweeps means no reruns, wacky guest-stars, extra-long extra-special episodes and a very happy Jennifer. This November sweeps, however, has meant pre-emptions for mini-series I have no interest in (The West Wing pre-empted by Category 7), pre-emptions for awards shows I have no interest in (The Amazing Race pre-empted by the CMAs), and pre-emptions for a crappy ordinary rerun of Prison Break, again. So this sweeps has made me very much less than happy.

What Happened Last Week

Drama

Meredith and McDreamy met in the elevator a brillion times before that awkward, aching, breathy moment. Mere: “I miss you.” LONG PAUSE. McDreamy: “I can’t.” I’m melting.

The O.C. this year has been so hard to stay awake for. Two weeks in a row I’ve fallen asleep fifteen minutes in to the episode. Listen up Newport, the Thursday at 8pm is a competitive timeslot. Look alive already!

Watching Bree get herself messed up even further with George on Desperate Housewives is giving me post-traumatic stress disorder.

Comedy

Jaime Pressly is just rocking the role of Joy on My Name Is Earl. I used to think she was weird-looking and kind of ugly. Now I think she’s trash-tastic and gorgeous. Best line this week: (while shopping for wedding napkins) “’Party Your Ass Off’ – Oh, and look, the little horse has a top hat on. That’s cute.”

Reality

On Survivor Jamie got the boot for being completely and totally paranoid. You know what? There’s probably a mental condition out there called starvation psychosis. I’m sure when you’re not getting any food at all something weird can happen to your brain chemistry and make you absolutely out of your own head. I think that’s what happened to poor Jamie. I’m not trying to make myself unpopular here, but I’ll bet Jamie isn’t nearly as scary and intense when he’s got a full belly. A little dim? Probably. As bad as we saw him in Guatemala? Doubtful.

Donald Trump thinks writing a pithy adult-soft-pop-rock song will prepare you for a career in real estate development.

What Happens Next

On Lost I’ve heard that Ana-Lucia will indeed be involved in romantic entanglements on Nonsense Island, but she will not be involved with who you’d expect. Given that piece of information, my guess is Michael.

Alyson Hannigan returns to Veronica Mars as Trina Echolls. I think she’ll be playing herself in a true-story-movie-of-the-week based on Papa Echolls downfall. Anything that keeps the Hamlin recurring on the show makes me happy.

Beau Bridges will play Earl’s dad on My Name Is Earl.

Oh, and the thing I’m most excited about: Sark, Sark, Sark, Sark, Sark, Sark, Sark, Sark, SARK!

Coming and Going

What Happened Last Week

Drama

Did anyone else watch The West Wing live debate? It was kind of awesome, non? Although I think that Alda is the better actor and pulled off his character better than Jimmy Smits, I would in fact give the debate win to Smits’ Santos. All they gave Vinick to say was “free market good, big government bad.” Pfft.

Susan broke down in the middle of Wisteria Lane in her mother’s wedding dress while Mike just drove away. I cringed. I really did. It was kind of horrifying to watch. Even more horrifying? Bree and George. (shudder) Also on Desperate Housewives, Page Kennedy (the actor who plays the creepy dude locked in the basement,) was dismissed this week for “improper conduct.” The role has been recast – how very soap opera of them.

Alex smooched Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy. I’m rooting for these two crazy kids.

On Lost Shannon bit the dust, but not before trying to drum up some serious character sympathy. She’s Cinder-shannon. Or Shannon-ella, if you prefer. In the flashback, Boone suffered from the worst haircut ever. Worse than Locke’s comb-over. Even worse than Jack’s headband. And does anyone know what Walt said to Shannon in the tent? I was too busy screaming.

When Veronica Mars cuddled up to Logan, thinking he was Duncan I stood up and squealed. I don’t think they’ll get back together (anytime soon,) but the chemistry between Kristen Bell and Jason Dohring is great whether they are together or not. This week’s episode advanced every plotline just one notch forward, with the exception of one missing Wallace Fennel. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the “witness” to Felix’s murder showed his face at the exact moment that Aaron Echolls was being transferred to a jail cell in Neptune. It was such a heartwarming father-son moment. Best show on television.

I… don’t care about ER. At all. Stupid Abby. Stupid Kovac.

Reality

The Amazing Race has been such a snoozefest this season. Producers know that, right? They don’t actually want to subject us to another family season where nobody goes anywhere, do they? The only team left worth half-rooting for is the Linz family, and they have always struck me as a genetic-fraternity-disaster. How am I supposed to root for a team that spends their camera time making fart jokes?

Did you see the look on Nicole’s face when Tyra told her she had to pack her bags to go to Paris? Here’s what it said “That is the meanest thing anybody has ever done to me.” Hee. My pick to win America’s Next Top Model is still Kim.

In Guatemala, Jamie, who may or may not be suffering from paranoid delusions, opted for public self-punishment and excessive groveling for jury votes. I’m not sure either tactic worked for him. And question for the floor – do the trio of Lydia, Cindy and Rafe not see that by sticking with the alliance of six they are contenting themselves with finishing fourth, fifth and sixth? What’s wrong with them?

Trump fired Marshawn. And though she totally deserved it for being all, you know, Toral, about not presenting – I’m still kind of miffed about the whole thing. She’d seemed so talented before. I really didn’t expect her to pull a duck and cover! Oh, and Brian the Jockey was also fired.

And I’m still kind of in love with Ryan from Martha’s Apprentice. I understand if you’re not watching because it really isn’t all that compelling a show, Martha’s awesome prison references aside. But Ryan is adorable.

Comedy

Arrested Development returned – briefly. And then the idiots at Fox reduced its season order down to thirteen episodes and shelved it for all of November sweeps. AAAARRRRGH! Not only that, but they’ve shelved Kitchen Confidential as well. I think it’s strongly-worded-letter-time. I… don’t understand. If you want good quality shows to perform well you have to promote them to their intended market. Is this a difficult concept for Fox? How is it that there is someone at Fox who clearly has an eye for picking up quality shows, and yet there is no one at Fox who will stand behind these shows and develop them? Is it an internal communication breakdown? How does Stacked get a full season order while Kitchen Confidential (and the lovely Bradley Cooper, who will always be Will Tippen to me,) gets three measly episodes before being forgotten? How many re-runs of Prison Break will we be forced to endure? The show isn’t that good! Why is it plastered all over my subway station and being promo’d every other commercial? WHY? Fox has said that Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential will return in December. I hate them and don’t trust them, but I will be in front of my television should two of my favourite comedies return in December. Will you?

What Happens Next

On Alias we’ll see some familiar faces return – I already told you that Mia Maestro will be back for a bit as Nadia, and the beloved Michael Vartan is scheduled to return as Vaughn (though if as dead-Vaughn or alive-Vaughn, it has yet to be confirmed.) But I’ve also heard now that David Anders will be back to bug newbie Rachel as Sark! That’s right, I said Sark. SARK! Let’s see if he can instill some convincing toughness in the new recruit. That would be awesome.

On Grey’s Anatomy I’ve heard someone’s going to be gay. I have no idea who. Just not George. Please not Geroge. Please not George. Kate Walsh (Mrs. Dr. McDreamy) has been added to the cast as a series regular now.

On The O.C., absent sister Kaitlin returns from boarding school. I’m assuming the expense was too much for the broken and abandoned Julie Cooper-Nicholl. Kaitlin is now fourteen and will be, I’m told, just like a mini-Julie-Cooper-Nicholl. Of which, in my opinion, you can never have too many. Also, Taylor Townsend will totally heart Seth Cohen forever. And really, who wouldn’t?

On Lost we get to see how the tail-end have lived on Nonsense Island. That should be fun. Or terrifying and nonsensical. Whatever. And we’ll finally get to see Kate’s original crime, you know, before she vehicular-manslaughtered her ex-boyfriend and rolled over a bank for a toy plane.

Dr. Gallant comes back to ER but I’m not sure for how long. Seriously Sharif Atkins, the ship is sinking. Save yourself.

Sex, Death and Resurrection

What Happened Last Week

Drama

I hope the writers on The O.C. know where they’re going with Jeri Ryan’s con artist storyline. So far the woman has paid to falsely enroll herself into the richest rehab in the county and footed the down payment on Julie Cooper-Nicholl’s condo. Can you say worst con artist ever? Also, I am incredibly happy that Eric Mabius’ guest appearance is drawing to a close. I was getting tired of him pointlessly chewing scenery as the Unnecessarily Evil Dean. Dude’s acting is worse than Mischa Barton’s.

Reality

On Survivor Rafe feared that he was part of “the axis of evil” (heh,) but still couldn’t work up the spine to turn on the ugliness that is Stephenie, Judd and Jamie. Yet. And seriously guys, I do hope that he’ll figure it out. It’s just not quite the right time for him to do it. Right now there is an alliance of six, in which Rafe, Lydia and Cindy are clearly at the bottom of the pecking order, versus an alliance of three. If Rafe, Lydia and Cindy jumped ship right now, they wouldn’t have the numbers to be able to control the vote in a newly formed alliance. Let the bullies boot off Bobby Jon and then this will give Rafe, Lydia and Cindy a short window of opportunity where they can turn on Jamie, Judd and Stephenie while still being able to control Gary and Danni’s fate. I think that Rafe and Cindy are both smart enough to see this as being a good maneuver (Lydia, I’m not so sure. It really looks like the lights are on but no one’s home there.) Don’t despair yet fans, the meek still have the opportunity to inherit the Aztec pyramid.

On Donald’s Apprentice, the decimated Excel pulled Randal back over and look! There’s your final four! In order of elimination: Brian, Rebecca, Marshawn and eventual winner Randal. The teams had to create a course for The Learning Annex and Capital Edge’s seminar on Sex at Work (yeah, I know… what?) led to Trump asking Adam if he’s ever had sex before, Trump telling Adam that sex has gotten him into a lot of trouble in the past, Trump telling Adam that in the future Adam will become very comfortable with sex, and Trump telling Clay that the reason there are menus in restaurants is because some people are gay. And I’m so happy that I’m not kidding about that! As far as entertainment value goes, it just doesn’t get much better than this. As far as job interviews go, I’d be mortified to be a candidate.

Comedy

My Name is Earl – The cast in this show (Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly) proves every week that they can walk the fine line between understanding the redneck and mocking the redneck. Being from Belleville, I can tell you that’s not as easy as it looks. When Joy mispronounced Catalina’s name and scoffed the mistake off with a simple “Mmm, potato, tomato,” I nearly cried.

What Happens Next

The West Wing goes live with a head-to-head debate. In Santos versus Vinick I’m really enjoying the whole Republican wish-fulfillment of Arnold Vinick. I’m hoping he wins the election and we get to see a lot more of Alan Alda.

Arrested Development returns for a full hour show after the baseball hiatus. It looks like Tobias may accidentally sell the Bluths out to the CIA. I hope there’s nothing really wrong with Jason Bateman’s throat. He holds this amazing series together.

A racer has trouble swimming on The Amazing Race: Family Edition. Thank god it’s not Carissa!

Over on Veronica Mars Harry Hamlin returns as Aaron Echolls goes on trial for murder. Oh I can’t wait to see how this is going to mess Logan up! Best show on television. Season one DVD is available now, so you’ve really got no excuses.

On Lost, Sawyer’s magical wound will finally get infected. And word is bitchy Shannon will croak.

On Alias newbie-Rachel (who’s kind of a wet blanket, don’t ya think?) goes solo in the field – because she’s so ready for that! And Sloane goes back to being bad. Mia Maestro’s coming back for a guest appearance as Nadia, so they thankfully haven’t forgotten about her. An unmistakable sign of a show slipping in quality is when they start to drop plotlines haphazardly (ahem, ER…) so I’m very happy that Alias will be tying up the loose ends with Nadia’s character. Also, Michael Vartan is scheduled to guest-star sometime soon this season. While I’m trying to hold out hope that Vaughn is in fact not dead, I really don’t think the producers at Alias would let US Weekly get a hold of pictures of his return if they didn’t plan to punk us all with some stupid dream sequence in which Vaughn appears. Bitches.